Beginnings, Breaking Free, & Sexual Abuse Awareness

BREAKING FREE!

Years ago I was part of an 

art group that did a challenge

where we were given a 

monthly prompt from which

to write a Haiku.

I really enjoyed the Haiku

writing and the creativity it brought.

Once our Haiku was written, we 

were to create a small art piece

that represented our Haiku.

Breaking Free

Bound by darkness then

bubbling want from within

Breaking free, blooming.

When "beginnings" was our 

prompt, I found myself thinking 

a lot about my past and how many

"beginnings" I had been offered 

over the years and not taken advantage of.

WHY?? FEAR!!

It made me think about where 

I wanted my design career to go and 

how much fear was still holding me back.

I want to bloom!

I want to be bolder!

I want to be everything I know I can be!!

I thought about all obstacles I had

already overcome and how it feels like

a maze as you daily maneuver your way 

through the world, your feelings, your healing, 

and all your relationships (some knowing, most not!)

Forty years after the sexual abuse

 and somedays it 

still feels like yesterday.

I can be cruising along, all going well,

and then one little trigger and I just 

want to curl into a ball and give it all up.

I don't talk about this publicly

and I rarely talk about it privately

because it is terribly uncomfortable 

for most people including me!

It is time to STOP being afraid!!!

The original art piece is 

only about 7" x 9" and had

grommets so I could put all 

the Haiku art pieces together.

It is all painted and machine

quilted from a sketch I drew.

The browns represent the dark 

times with blue feeling like

waves crushing and /or uplifting 

me depending on the day.

Green is the new growth and 

the blooming of healing and growing.

You will notice the colors all 

intermingle because life isn't all 

good or bad no matter what the 

struggle is that you are dealing with.

When it came time to create the

pattern, I knew it most closely

resembled a log cabin and so that

is how it is written.

I tried to stay as true to my original 

idea as possible because I loved it so!

True to form I am running a bit

behind so here is a top minus 

the embroidery/quilting.

If you follow me on my FB page,

you will get to watch it grow

as I post updates on finishing it.

The pattern has been tested, I promise:)

Back to the topic...

As I stated in my last post HERE,

I have joined an awareness group.

This month it is my turn and I 

chose this design to bring awareness to

Sexual Abuse.

My story is that I was abused 

all through my teenage years.

I attempted suicide.

I thought I was Alone!

Please know that as much as 

you loathe hearing about what 

we are going through, we 1000%

more hate dealing with it on a 

constant basis.

We don't tell anyone all the times

we are reminded of it or are dealing with it!!

We suffer in silence!

I made many choices in life 

that aggravated my suffering.

These decisions were made out of guilt,

shame, and fear of not being loved.

Those who support us have no idea how

thankful we are for your understanding,

BELIEVING US,

your shoulder to cry on, 

your friendship and love!!

We don't talk about these 

people enough!!

We don't give them enough credit 

for dealing with our emotional 

outbursts and bad behavior.

THANK YOU!

I was one of the few fortunate ones who

found a wonderful, loving man

who helped me heal while 

dealing with WAY MORE

than he bargained for when he 

married me.

We raised 2 amazing children

and I didn't mess them up

anymore than anyone else.

I am eternally grateful for 

him and them for showing

me real love and joy.

It has been a life of constant healing.

It NEVER goes away!!

MY hope is that we will all become

better listeners.  It is extremely uncomfortable 

but every time one chooses not to listen,

the survivor feels all the lies are true!

My other hope is that all those suffering 

in silence will find the courage to 

find a support group.

There is hope for a better life, I promise!

You have to work for it just

like anything else but you 

are worth putting in the effort for.

You are NOT Alone!!

Please help a friend 

 by just listening when needed.

It isn't an easy subject to hear

about but it means the world to that

one person to have someone hear

them, believe them, and allow them

to have those moments when the world

is too much.

My charity is RAINN.

RAINN does so much in the way of 

educating, counseling,  & training.

They offer a safe and confidential

place to reach out and find the

assistance and someone to listen,

so desperately needed.

If you are open to quilting for a cause

and want to try something a little less

traditional whilst helping another, 

my pattern can be found HERE.

For every pattern purchased, $8

will be donated to RAINN.

Thank you to Carolyn Burgess and 

the other designers sharing their stories.

I THANK YOU from the bottom of 

my heart if you read all the way to

the bottom of my public moment!!

You are FAB!

FIREWORKS:

Do you get a vision of brightness and awe and a feeling of exhiliration?

In my adult years I have heard people say that fear holds you back. My whole life has been ruled by fear but I didn't think I was fearful of good things....how could you be?

Every now and again in my life a song comes on the radio that overwhelms me with emotion and I don't always recognize why at first. The last time I remember going through this was about 9-10 years ago when the Dixie Chicks redid "Landslide" (originally by Fleetwood Mac). I listened to it and cried. I was not very happy where we were, my daughters were entering teen/pre-teen which scared me for reasons I won't name here, and I didn't like where I was in my life. The lyrics touched me because I was stuck, afraid to move forward- because,
"I've been afraid of changing 'Cause I've built my life around you" I had put everything of myself into my girls and trying to build my fantasy family and marriage. I had it and yet I knew I wanted more and then felt selfish for wanting more.

The other day I heard the song, "Firework" by Katy Perry-what a fun catchy beat (and you can dance to it:). The next time I listened to the words and they hit me like a ton of bricks.....they are bubble gum pop but still spoke to me:

Maybe your reason why all the doors are closed

So you could open one that leads you to your perfect road.

Like a lightning bolt, your heart will glow

And when it's time, you'll know.

You just gotta ignite, the light, and let it shine

Just own the night like the 4th of July

'Cause baby you're a firework

Come on, show 'em what you're worth

Make 'em go "oh oh oh"

As you shoot across the sky-y-y.

Baby you're a firework

Come on, let your colors burst

Make 'em go "oh oh oh"

You're gonna leave them all in "awe awe awe".

Lately I have been feeling like I am meant to do something amazing and exciting with my life and in my career. While choking back the tears I realized that I am afraid of moving forward because that might mean losing what I have and love; my comfortable quiet existence with the love of my life. He is very supportive and proud of me and what if succeeding means being with him so much less that I lose my balance? I don't do well out of balance. I feel safe and secure right now but also unfulfilled....so aren't I already out of balance?

My word for 2011 is Transition and expanding my heart and my mind's boundaries for myself will fall into this word's definition for me. I would challenge all my reader's to do the same and take one step beyond your secure zone and take a chance.

My monthly horoscope had this to say:
Keep in Mind this Month Playing it safe will only prolong your insecurity. Bold action, however, burns away fear in the excitement of new undertakings.

I joined a Haiku group for this year to expand my writing/creative skills. Our first challenge word is "Beginnings" and my haiku is:

Beginnings bring fear
Beginnings bring excitement
JUMP NOW, Feel Breath Live