FIREWORKS:

Do you get a vision of brightness and awe and a feeling of exhiliration?

In my adult years I have heard people say that fear holds you back. My whole life has been ruled by fear but I didn't think I was fearful of good things....how could you be?

Every now and again in my life a song comes on the radio that overwhelms me with emotion and I don't always recognize why at first. The last time I remember going through this was about 9-10 years ago when the Dixie Chicks redid "Landslide" (originally by Fleetwood Mac). I listened to it and cried. I was not very happy where we were, my daughters were entering teen/pre-teen which scared me for reasons I won't name here, and I didn't like where I was in my life. The lyrics touched me because I was stuck, afraid to move forward- because,
"I've been afraid of changing 'Cause I've built my life around you" I had put everything of myself into my girls and trying to build my fantasy family and marriage. I had it and yet I knew I wanted more and then felt selfish for wanting more.

The other day I heard the song, "Firework" by Katy Perry-what a fun catchy beat (and you can dance to it:). The next time I listened to the words and they hit me like a ton of bricks.....they are bubble gum pop but still spoke to me:

Maybe your reason why all the doors are closed

So you could open one that leads you to your perfect road.

Like a lightning bolt, your heart will glow

And when it's time, you'll know.

You just gotta ignite, the light, and let it shine

Just own the night like the 4th of July

'Cause baby you're a firework

Come on, show 'em what you're worth

Make 'em go "oh oh oh"

As you shoot across the sky-y-y.

Baby you're a firework

Come on, let your colors burst

Make 'em go "oh oh oh"

You're gonna leave them all in "awe awe awe".

Lately I have been feeling like I am meant to do something amazing and exciting with my life and in my career. While choking back the tears I realized that I am afraid of moving forward because that might mean losing what I have and love; my comfortable quiet existence with the love of my life. He is very supportive and proud of me and what if succeeding means being with him so much less that I lose my balance? I don't do well out of balance. I feel safe and secure right now but also unfulfilled....so aren't I already out of balance?

My word for 2011 is Transition and expanding my heart and my mind's boundaries for myself will fall into this word's definition for me. I would challenge all my reader's to do the same and take one step beyond your secure zone and take a chance.

My monthly horoscope had this to say:
Keep in Mind this Month Playing it safe will only prolong your insecurity. Bold action, however, burns away fear in the excitement of new undertakings.

I joined a Haiku group for this year to expand my writing/creative skills. Our first challenge word is "Beginnings" and my haiku is:

Beginnings bring fear
Beginnings bring excitement
JUMP NOW, Feel Breath Live

HAPPY NEW YEAR!

What a year 2010 was in many ways. As I reviewed what I had accomplished it didn't seem all that impressive compared to 2009 and then I realized I made huge strides in confidence....and though the list may appear a bit shorter in length, it was in no way smaller in the depth of the accomplishments.

Last year my word was Diligence. I was diligent in rewriting my book proposal even though it has been rejected for a second time. I was diligent in not letting opportunities pass me by and that enabled me to be published twice along with having a design be included in the Quilter's Club of America promotional CD. When the gallery that had been representing me closed, I found a new gallery. I know I could have done much better but I also see how much forward progress I made.

My word for 2011 is Transition. Transition number one:

Meet Junie (short for Juniper)

Our beloved little Schmoopy died last February and we were completely heartbroken. She was the sweetest little beagle ever and the only dog I have truly loved! Just saying her name, Schmoopy, made me mushy inside.
We swore that we wouldn't get another dog for years so that we could travel, get settled, blah blah blah:) A couple of weeks before Christmas my husband stated that he missed having a dog--I agreed. After a couple of other beagle opportunities fell through, we found an ad for a pure breed beagle female, 3-4 months old, $50-family couldn't keep her.
We got there and she is so NOT a pure breed but she was also so malnurished and unwanted (wanted a hunting dog and she was too skittish) that I couldn't leave her there. She came to us the Sunday before Christmas and everyone loves her.

How could you not? Look at that face:) Having said that, I had forgotten how much work a dog---especially a puppy is! My nice quiet work days are gone for awhile as we all take turns on puppy watch.

Transition number 2: We received our official transfer orders 3 days before Christmas. We will be moving to Clearwater, FL in June. This will be our first move without our daughters and feels very strange to be considering what items will stay here with them, getting the younger settled into an apartment, and making sure they are prepared to be on their own. It feels against nature to me that the parents should move away from the children. So far I have been great at stuffing the feelings but June will be miserable for me....so bittersweet! I am so proud of them moving forward in their lives and I don't want to miss any of it. The military will not allow for that I am afraid. We have always done everything as a family and this will be a major transition for us all.

Transition number 3: This will take place in my work although I am not 100% sure of just how yet. I have been sitting on the fence for the past 2 years about how to balance my time between the artwork and the quilt patterns. I love them both and at times one is progressing further than the other. Sometimes I feel that I should choose one over the other and I am getting closer to a decision. Moving will also put a crimp in what I can get accomplished this year due to the lost time from packing up and then unpacking.

Transition this year will involve my work, my friendships, my living environment, my schedule, my family. I have some wonderful goals set up to guide me so that I don't get too off course with everything else that will demand my time.

Setting the goals is a great opportunity for me to always feel that I am moving forward since although it doesn't all get done, more gets done than if I didn't have it:)

What will you make happen for yourself this year?